Dark Circles Undereye Circles Are V. Chic

Girls, bois & babes: I have a very, very important PSA I need to deliver to you on this dreary Wednesday afternoon. The time has come. TO STOP wearing undereye concealer.

dark circle bitch

 

My areas of expertise might be rather limited — but I happen to know a plethora about the art of makeup. I’m a former beauty-counter girl. I’ve worked behind the counter at some of the largest department stores in the world. Thus your girl has applied makeup on thousands upon thousands upon thousands of people in my life. And I love makeup. I wouldn’t dare to undermine the power and artistry of beauty products. 

But I’ll tell you the one product I detest. Mother-f*cking undereye Concealer. Blasphemous, I know.

But let me tell you why little sister. Keep in mind this is coming from an actual professional (moi) who went to the (alleged) Harvard of Makeup Schools.

Because the skin beneath your eyes is so paper thin it can’t properly hold on to product, like say your face. That’s why it gets all weird-looking within a couple of hours. The skin starts to repel the product, as it’s too much for the delicate under-eye to handle. The product will consequently start to break apart and get all patchy-looking (gag!). Which will make any person over the age of 18 look as weathered as Florida post-Hurricane! It will appear as if you have under-eye wrinkles even if you don’t have under-eye wrinkles. And if you do have under-wrinkles, then you’re really looking rough, babe.

Also, when we get dehydrated (and when are we ever truly hydrated, girls?) the texture of that oh-so-fragile skin beneath our eyes gets all crepey and crinkly. Makeup already highlights the skin’s texture, so adding under-eye concealer makes the crepey-ness look even worse!

I, for one, look like the Grim Reaper when I wear undereye concealer.

But I used to religiously wear it. Every. Single. Day.

Why?

Because I like, you, have been conditioned to believe that a dark circle beneath the eye is ugly-looking! That undereye skin should look BRIGHTER and LIGHTER than the rest of our faces! So every single morning I dutifully applied under-eye concealer and prayed to Lana Del Rey that it stayed on smoothly for the day. It never did. Nevertheless, she persisted. For, I felt it was my duty as a woman to camouflage the half-moon-shaped darkness that perpetually lives beneath my tired eyeballs. I know what you’re thinking: she hasn’t tried the right product! — but honey — I’ve tried every godforsaken product on the market. I’m a bougie bitch too.  You better believe I’ve invested in the most high-end of brands.

I was 25 going on 50 when I realized I’d had enough!

One fine morning I decided to be wildly controversial. I was going to skip the concealer! I applied foundation (with my damp beauty blender of course) all over my face but left my used and abused undereyes alone.

With my skin looking SO even-toned after my heavy application of foundation, the under eye bags definitely stood out more. But I’m a problem solver (all makeup artists are). I added a bit of the ole’ blush (NARS orgasm, always) across the apples of my cheeks and BAM. I no longer looked like a raccoon. The pinkness of my cheeks down-played the darkness beneath my eyes.

In lieu of under eye concealer, I dabbed a tiny bit of aloe vera gel underneath my eyes to give ’em a youthful dewy finish (Fun Fact: aloe vera takes under-eye puff down!).

That night I got carded at a bar for the first time in years. I’m not kidding. 

I haven’t worn concealer under my eyes since. I ice-roll the hell out of my eyes (and face) to get the blood circulation going every morning for exactly ten minutes (I set a timer).

Under-eye bags, in a nutshell, is basically old blood that hasn’t swished through your body. It’s stuck. However, if you massage (gently) your under-eye area and ice-roll or apply a caffeinated eye mask to the area, the blood gets flowing and moving — and while the dark circles don’t go away entirely — they most definitely soften. You can even use coffee grinds! I do it all the time when I travel!

12303949_10156269773095534_2548883881838868634_o

After ice-rolling I always put a (tiny) smattering of coconut oil beneath my eyes. It makes me look hydrated and young in my most rapidly aging facial area.

I have now successfully deprogrammed myself to stop thinking dark circles are ugly. I think they’re actually quite pretty! The patriarchy just wants us to buy more makeup which is why advertisers force us to buy into this idea that dark circles are unattractive!

Chew on this: Men never complain about dark circles, amirite? And we never seem to notice them on male creatures either. Smash the patriarchy, stop wearing that creamy shit beneath your beautiful eyes!

Most pressingly, I believe that a dark circle sort of resembles a sexy, soft smokey eye. I think my eyes look much more sultry now that I don’t wear concealer. They look bigger too. More pronounced because they’re outlined with darkness. And I ~love~ darkness. Don’t you?

A woman with dark circles under her eyes exudes an attractive air of complication, as well. She looks as if she’s been up all night painting a masterpiece or contemplating the universe when she rocks exposed dark circles. Dark circles provide a sense of depth to a woman. They make her look a little crazy — but in a v. chic way.

Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 5.17.45 PM

Lez get real: There is a reason crazy girls always snag whomever they want. It’s because we’re slightly unattainable, we have bigger things to worry about than finding a partner, and we’re really unpredictable. Which is frustrating to a partner, but keeps them on their toes. Everyone wants to be the one person who tames the crazy girl, you know? So if you’re not an authentically hot crazy girl stop wearing concealer and you’ll get all the hot crazy girl perks. Purr.

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s